Books I pretend I have read.

Here's what I'm allowed to say:  I graduated from college so that proves I'm smart!  (Albeit a college that has since gone out of business, but whatevs.)  People may or may not be shocked to find out that I didn't fully read some of the required educational literature from 6th grade until I graduated from college and I've been sort of lying about it ever since.  Assignments were boring and life was fun.

That said, if these works come up in casual conversation, you would never guess that I hadn't read the whole damn thing cover to cover.  I'm that good.  Try me sometime. I've got an understanding of the text, skimmed the chapters, maybe read a Cliff Notes or two, but there is a shameful list of literature that I haven't actually read in its entirety.  These are works on which I've written full papers, done deep analysis and about which I've given amazing oral presentations.  This speaks volumes about my ability to glean context, extrapolate subtext and bullshit like the dickens.

Here is my shameful list:

The Hound of the Baskervilles - Bor-ring.  I read the first few chapters and gave up.  The final project was a diorama -- the golden gift assignment for the bullshitter.

Huckleberry Finn - OMG, he's friends with a black guy!  N-word, n-word, river raft, who cares?

Hamlet - I think he goes mad because he has an uncle-dad or something.

King Lear - He's got some daughters and something happens.

The Scarlet Letter - No one in town likes Hester Prynne.  Spoiler alert: it was the priest.

The Odyssey - Something about a journey where a lot of stuff happens.  I read the interesting parts.

Paradise Lost - I think I wrote a 15 page paper analyzing other people's analysis and never actually read the whole book.  It's friggin' LONG.

The Stranger - That song by The Cure is a way better synopsis.

With this list in mind, please note that there is a much longer list of books that I actually did read.   I hope none of my former teachers read this.  Will that void my diploma?