How to be a gracious guest by quietly choking with envy.

I’ve learned to never ask someone how they got their amazing apartment.  The answer is either illegal or legal and either way, you probably don’t want to know.  I see no reason to awkwardly ruin a perfectly good friendship by commenting about what a great apartment someone has. Just quietly judge them and bask in beautiful apartment glory while it lasts.  Don't believe me? Here are 10 possible reasons for having an incredible apartment:

5 illegal reasons:

  1. I’m a drug dealer.  Would you like some drugs?  No?  We’re not friends any more.
  2. I killed the former tenant and now that I’ve told you, I have to kill you too.
  3. Tax scam.  And now that I’ve told you, I have to kill you.
  4. This is my Dad’s mafia friend’s safe house. And now that I’ve told you, I have to kill you.
  5. I’m a prostitute! I have sexual intercourse with strangers for money! And now that I’ve told you, I have to kill you.

5 legal reasons:

  1. My boyfriend is married and he bought me this apartment so he can have sex with me any time he wants without his wife finding out.  I love him very much and eventually, he will leave his wife for me, I just know it.
  2. Inheritance from dead mom.  I’d give this place up and live on the street for the rest of my life if it meant I could have just one more day with her. Thanks for bringing it up.
  3. See how I don’t have a left foot?  It got caught in a fish grinder and got ground up into fish paste. I sued the fish factory and the settlement paid for this place.
  4. I’m a stripper!  
  5. I worked really hard at my job and saved up to afford a down payment.  Maybe if you weren’t such a lazy ass, you could afford a nice place too.