Comedy is a horny business.

One of the many reasons I love doing stand-up comedy is that I get a chance to learn the secret lingo. And since comedians are a distinctly depraved subset of the population, the double entendres abound.

Below, I have written the comedian lingo, the actual meaning and the double meaning/innuendo implied. Enjoy!

Comedy phrase: Nice set.
Actual meaning: Good work on the time you did on stage.
Innuendo: You have nice boobs.

Comedy phrase: Nice bits.
Actual meaning: That particular bit of material on stage was humorous.
Innuendo: You have nice genitals (unspecified).

Comedy phrase: Do you have a spot I can fill?
Actual meaning: I am looking for time on stage.
Innuendo: I would like to fill your vagina with my penis.

Comedy phrase: You perform well.
Actual meaning: You have a good stage presence and the audience liked you.
Innuendo: You are good at oral sex.

Comedy phrase: Open Mic.
Actual meaning: A casual performance space where comics work on new material.
Innuendo: Open Mike. I would like to open a guy named Mike and do sexual things to him.

Comedy phrase: Can you open for me?
Actual meaning: Can you be my opening act and warm up the crowd for me?
Innuendo: Can you open your legs for me so I may have sex with you?

Comedy phrase: How many times did you get up last night?
Actual meaning: How many times did you perform stand-up comedy last night?
Innuendo: How many times did your penis get hard last night?

Comedy phrase: If you let me ejaculate into your mouth, you can perform here.
Actual meaning: I am insecure.
Innuendo: I am intimidated by your talent.

I know I'm missing some. Comment in the comments section and I'll add them to the list.